A mother’s kiss can make an owie go away.
A mother’s homemade soup can cure the flu.
A mother’s hug can make all the cares in the world disappear.
I miss that.
May 082011
May 282010
I don’t like this feeling.
I don’t like feeling.
I feel strange. I can feel everything happening in my body.
I feel weak. Nauseous.
I can fell my heart beating in my chest.
I can feel every breath I take. Especially the ones I don’t take. My chest feels heavy. It is hard to breath. I feel out of breath when all I am doing is lying here.
I can feel my throat. I can feel the breath as it moves down my throat. How can air get caught in your throat? My tongue feels like it is pushing on the back of my throat. Pushing it closed.
I feel my head, the weight of my head. Yet I am light headed?
I feel my arms and legs. Feel them feel as if they are useless or not even there. Tingly but not tingly. Weak.
Remember to breath.
My stomach is empty yet I feel it working. Digesting. Gurgling. Pushing nothingness into my bowels, bowels that bubble and twist.
Headache.
I can feel my eyes moving about in their sockets. I feel every blink.
I feel like a stranger in my own body.
I want to go back to not feeling any of this as it happens, to blissfully feel nothing as my body works.
I don’t like this feeling.
I don’t like feeling.
May 172010
I hate this feeling.
Hopeless.
Helpless.
I don’t want to feel this. Some think I like feeling like this. That I like the attention.
Not true.
There is no attention to be had. This is a very lonely process. I don’t share my feelings until it is nearly too late.
I have learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut and just suck it all deep inside until I find myself crying alone in the dark.
Unable to sleep.
Unable to think.
Knot in my chest making it hard to breath. While the lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow.
Swallow what my pride? Self worth? Dignity? I don’t have any of those things.
I just want the blackness to take me but sleep eludes me even after taking something to help me.
Is there help for me?
Helpless.
Hopeless.
Worthless.
Soon the pain in my head starts to match the pain in my soul.
Physical pain to match the emotional pain.
I am broken beyond repair.
Jan 232010
Mom has been gone for over a year now…still hard to believe she is gone.
Still every time I get a hair cut and walk into the house or visit her grave, I half expect to her in a disappointed tone, “You’ve cut your hair again.”
That was our normal greeting every single time I got a hair cut. I always hated that, but now, that I will never hear it again, I miss it.
Guess I always will.
I haven’t had this bad of a birthday since I was 17 and my parent completely forgot that I had a birthday. Back then they were more concerned about going to California to see their “favorite” daughter that they plum forgot they even had me in March! Traumatic for a seventeen year old, but I survived.
But today is better celebrated as Friday the 13th than my birthday. I think I will just cancel my b-day for today. In fact maybe I will just stop having them altogether.
Jan 012009
Not too sure how happy this year will be but since 2008 ended so badly 2009 should be better. I hope.
Here’s wishing everyone else a great new year.
I am sitting here watching Bugs Bunny and trying to remember better times.
So far I got to see some of my favorites like the little red riding hood screaming “TO HAVE”, the interesting monster with the interesting hairdo and little Ralph Philips and his imagination. I’ll have to dig out my Looney Tunes DVDs again.
Oct 032008
No one really wants to know what you are feeling or thinking. They only want good news and good reports. So even if you are only telling the truth or say how you are feeling at the time don’t do it. Stop and think before you say or do anything.
Who cares if you are tired of wearing a mask, keep it on. I have found that there are basically four different versions of myself. The real one that usually needs to be locked up, the me for work and family, the me my friends get to see (closest one to the real me) and the me strangers get to see. So while the real me wants to be seen and struggles to do just that I must do everything in my power to keep it safely locked away along with all of my true feelings and thoughts. While my true feelings sometimes come to the surface they always get me in trouble. So from now on I am keeping my mouth shut (that includes my pen to some degree as well).
I need to dust off all those masks and keep reminding myself that I am not allowed to have any feelings, everyone else’s feelings come first even if I must lie to keep them all happy that is what must be done.
So my advice to you all is keep it all bottled up inside let it out at your own risk. But it is all up to you. Release your feelings and risk screwing up your relationships or your job. Keep your feelings in and risk mental and physical illness. Which is worse? I opt for the easy way out slowly killing myself by keeping it all in causing stress, high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches and a constant feeling of nausea. But even to telling you of my physical ailments is breaking my own role (but it is a new rule for me as I usually strive for honesty in every thing I do so it will take me a while to get used to lying all the time).
Since everyone in the known universe is basically sick and tired of me, I have to do something or just curl up and die. I have already started by lying every time someone asks how I am doing. The real answer is a lengthy diatribe about my health since the accident and the slow progress of my recovery or my recent issues with my increasingly worsening allergies or this headache I have had to endure for over four weeks or my blood pressure being high or the ulcer I have because of stress in my life or the depression I am fighting because of everything in my life. But above all else never ever talk about your financial worries no one cares that you can’ t even fill your gas tank let alone that you have medical bills out the wazoo, the only answer people want to hear when they ask “how are you” is fine do not elaborate. Anything beyond fine is too much information. Wish me luck.
Jul 072008
This morning I witnessed an accident. Heck I was almost in the accident. This guy was flying up beside me on the left (I was in the middle lane) and the traffic was heavy up ahead due to road construction. Well he wasn’t going to wait. He zipped around behind me to make a right hand turn from the far left lane!
I followed the whole thing in my mirrors. As I got to my passenger side mirror I saw him being hit by a Toyota pickup that was coming down the far right lane. It really shook me up. I pulled over to see if they were okay and to give them my name and number for the cops to call me as a witness if needed. (It was clearly the aggressive driving of the guy in the car’s fault). I was too shook up to actually stay there. If I had I think I would have had an anxiety attack.
 I am thankful that I was not hit by the guy as he nearly clipped me as he whipped behind my car. The way I felt (and still do) I do not know how I would have reacted if I was involved more than merely witnessing it. As it was I was a nervous wreck the entire day at work.
Jul 062008
As I said on the fourth I spent not only the day in bed but just about the entire weekend. If it weren’t for my friend pulling me out of thehouse on Saturday I would have spent the entire weekend in bed.
Saturday we went to the Tiki Bar with my friend and her husband. We had a good time. Good company, nice view (sat by the river), saw wild life (mating — sun fish, bullfrog, turtle and dragonflies). While we did not really want to cook our own meal and pay high prices of a served meal it was still fun. And still cheaper than therapy.
Jul 042008
Well July 4th is here and while it is very nice to have a long weekend it isn’t doing me any good. I am both physically sick and emotionally drained. I won’t be doing the picnic with the family (might not be so bad since it looks like rain any way).
 I probably would feel up to going even if I did not have an actual illness. I intend to spend the rest of the day in bed hiding under the covers. On the bright side it is a paid holiday.
Hope everyone else out there is enjoying their long weekend and getting to see fireworks. Happy Birthday USA.
Jul 032008
Today sucked.
This week sucked.
I suck.
My week started out horribly. It never had anything even close to a good point at any point. Then it ended just a horribly.
To be honest I have to wonder why I am still here on this planet.
Not feeling well I went in to drink some milk (hoping it would settle my stomach – it did not). As I was drinking it I noticed some of the magnetic poetry on the fridge.
Drink milk and dream.
Okay so I drank the milk all I need now are the dreams. Will they be nightmares? Most likely I will be trapped, attacked and killed repeatedly during the night. Why shouldn’t my dreams mimic my life?
I hope to be back to my regular bitchy self soon. Either that or just gone.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Jun 302008
AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!
 Today has been one hell of a week.
As you can see I am up and posting this morning. This is a good thing trust me. In the past when I would get as upset as I did yesterday I would not have felt like doing anything for days. I would have spiraled down into a pit of depression so deep I would think there was no way out. And last night I really felt like that is where I was heading. Now I have a bit of hope.
I did get a fairly good night’s sleep although I did give myself a little medicated help. (I had to or I would have lain in bed all night long staring at the dark ceiling unable to quiet my mind.) I woke up this morning feeling a little better about things and surprisingly no headache (with my sinuses and the way I was crying all day yesterday that is a BIG surprise). I tried just lying there relaxing with my cats (they had all come up to say feed me), but I could not enjoy the morning. Once I was fully awake my mind kept returning to yesterday and how bad I felt and how awful going to work on Monday will be.
So I dragged myself out of bed, fed those darned pusses and here I am typing away. Perhaps if I can keep myself busy with other things today and tomorrow Monday won’t be such a hellish Monday after all. I hope.
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