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Oct 292012
 

Life what do I do
When I can’t handle it?
I go to a graveyard
To be alone and sit

Thinking yet not thinking
Of death and about life
Is it worth going through
All this hardship and strife

The day is soon coming
When I will be here too
Will I be like the rest
Lying forgotten too

I pass a few tombstones
And bend to read the name
Not knowing who he is
Or from where he came

And I wonder to myself
How did he come to this place
To be forgotten in time
Only a name without a face

I pass a new grave
And I feel a bit sad
I ask where are the flowers
And it makes me feel bad

That no one sent flowers
Now a stranger or comes by
To see the blank grave and
With a prayer begins to cry

How lonely the grave must
Be yet how peaceful too
Peace in death where in life
It only did elude

This past Time of mine was
A lonely one for me
Then by chance I found you
To share this side of me

It’s nice to find someone
To share your special times
It gives them more meaning
When they’re more than just mine

Oct 162012
 

Graveyards at night.
A place of solitude.
A place of fright.

Hidden behind a headstone
Hidden from the world
Just me, here alone.

Alone with the people
Lying here at rest.
Looking at the church steeple

I see the moon
Looking back at me.
A full moon

To light my path.
As I walk through graves
Counting years doing the math.

I wonder if my fear is real.
And why am I afraid?
I’m not here to vandalize or steal.

Yet I’m not afraid of cops.
My fear is for what is here.
What is here? I stop.

To listen. Listen For what?
I’m not sure.
Maybe Death.

Oct 142012
 

Life’s last sustaining breath
Was taken the day you left
Love’s discerning grasp could not hold you
But for that fleeting moment
At that very moment
My life let go
To live alone is to die
You left me there dying
Unable to pick up the pieces of my heart
Scattered all around me
Lying there unbound within my soul
Both love
And life
Now lost
With life now lost
My soul cries out for unity

Oct 122012
 

How do you get someone to love you?
I want to hold your hand.
I want to feel your lips against mine.
I want to feel your body next to mine.
I love to be near you.
I don’t want you to leave.
When you do I feel so empty.
I eagerly await the good-bye kiss that never comes.
I love being your friend.
But I want more.
I wish you felt the same way.
I fear you don’t and never will.
I want you as a lover.
I know that I can’t.
I want more than a friendship.
I want. I want! I want?
What do I want?
Does what I want even matter?
What about you?
You want a friend and that’s all.
None of this lover’s shit for you.

Oct 112012
 

You’re such a bitch.
You’re such a bitch.
You’re a terrible, ugly,
Horrible witch.

Get out of my face.
Stay out of my life.
I don’t want you
To be my wife.

I don’t want to be
Seen with you any more.
So leave me alone,
Hurt, pacing the floor.

You’re still a bitch.
You’re still a bitch.
You’re still a terrible,
Ugly witch.

Count your blessings.
So you’re all alone.
You’re still alive
With your heart of stone.

Don’t come near me.
You give me the creeps.
They’re running from you
In bounds and leaps.

Stay away from me.
Get out of my hair.
Whatever you feel
I just don’t care.

Cause you’re a bitch.
A dog-gone bitch.
You’re a terrible,
Horrible, ugly witch.

Oct 052012
 

You don’t care what you say
Or that you’re hurting me
You just say what you think
That you don’t like What you see

And all I’m trying to say
Is let me be myself
Don’t hide me away or
Make me sit on a shelf

You say I’m odd or strange
That I’m the only one
On God’s green earth
Or under the sun

You really should say county
‘Cause that’ s all you’re looking at
You are always telling me
No one else dresses like that

Hell we live with the Amish
They are unusual too
But you don’t mind them
It is just what I do

We go out together
Which we hardly do
I have to walk far behind
And stay away from you

Something tells me that
If you cared at all
You wouldn’t mind how
I look or what you saw

You’ d love me with
My wild spiked purple hair
And no matter what I
Wore you wouldn’t care

IF only I could call
You Mom in public
Without embarrassing you
Or making you sick

So I stay in the house
And I hardly go out
It is all your fault
I want to scream and shoot

From your point of View
I haven’ t got a friend
So what’s the point of living
It might as well all end

Oct 012012
 

Someone is screaming in pain
Someone is crying for help

Someone’s cry is in vain
Someone’s pain is unseen

It’s a silent kind of cry
And a tear you cannot see

Someone has that look in their eye
Someone has pain in their heart

It is a pain that won’t leave
A pain that just won’t quit

A feeling you can’t deceive
A feeling of helplessness

Someone has a question
Someone is confused

And i n the midst of that confusion
The cry for help is ended

The depression is no longer
The pain will hurt no more

Someone’s mind is no stronger
Someone’s life cannot be mended

Someone’s life has just ended

May 282010
 

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t like feeling.

I feel strange. I can feel everything happening in my body.

I feel weak. Nauseous.

I can fell my heart beating in my chest.

I can feel every breath I take. Especially the ones I don’t take. My chest feels heavy. It is hard to breath. I feel out of breath when all I am doing is lying here.

I can feel my throat. I can feel the breath as it moves down my throat. How can air get caught in your throat? My tongue feels like it is pushing on the back of my throat. Pushing it closed.

I feel my head, the weight of my head. Yet I am light headed?

I feel my arms and legs. Feel them feel as if they are useless or not even there. Tingly but not tingly. Weak.

Remember to breath.

My stomach is empty yet I feel it working. Digesting. Gurgling. Pushing nothingness into my bowels, bowels that bubble and twist.

Headache.

I can feel my eyes moving about in their sockets. I feel every blink.

I feel like a stranger in my own body.

I want to go back to not feeling any of this as it happens, to blissfully feel nothing as my body works.

I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t like feeling.

May 172010
 

I hate this feeling.

Hopeless.

Helpless.

I don’t want to feel this. Some think I like feeling like this. That I like the attention.

Not true.

There is no attention to be had. This is a very lonely process. I don’t share my feelings until it is nearly too late.

I have learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut and just suck it all deep inside until I find myself crying alone in the dark.

Unable to sleep.

Unable to think.

Knot in my chest making it hard to breath. While the lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow.

Swallow what my pride? Self worth? Dignity? I don’t have any of those things.

I just want the blackness to take me but sleep eludes me even after taking something to help me.

Is there help for me?

Helpless.

Hopeless.

Worthless.

Soon the pain in my head starts to match the pain in my soul.

Physical pain to match the emotional pain.

I am broken beyond repair.

Jan 232010
 

Mom has been gone for over a year now…still hard to believe she is gone.

Still every time I get a hair cut and walk into the house or visit her grave, I half expect to her in a disappointed tone, “You’ve cut your hair again.”

That was our normal greeting every single time I got a hair cut. I always hated that, but now, that I will never hear it again, I miss it.

Guess I always will.

Mar 132009
 

I haven’t had this bad of a birthday since I was 17 and my parent completely forgot that I had a birthday. Back then they were more concerned about going to California to see their “favorite” daughter that they plum forgot they even had me in March! Traumatic for a seventeen year old, but I survived.

But today is better celebrated as Friday the 13th than my birthday. I think I will just cancel my b-day for today. In fact maybe I will just stop having them altogether.