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Jan 012009

Not too sure how happy this year will be but since 2008 ended so badly 2009 should be better. I hope.

Here’s wishing everyone else a great new year.

I am sitting here watching Bugs Bunny and trying to remember better times.

So far I got to see some of my favorites like the little red riding hood screaming “TO HAVE”, the interesting monster with the interesting hairdo and little Ralph Philips and his imagination. I’ll have to dig out my Looney Tunes DVDs again.

Oct 032008

No one really wants to know what you are feeling or thinking. They only want good news and good reports. So even if you are only telling the truth or say how you are feeling at the time don’t do it. Stop and think before you say or do anything.

Who cares if you are tired of wearing a mask, keep it on. I have found that there are basically four different versions of myself. The real one that usually needs to be locked up, the me for work and family, the me my friends get to see (closest one to the real me) and the me strangers get to see. So while the real me wants to be seen and struggles to do just that I must do everything in my power to keep it safely locked away along with all of my true feelings and thoughts. While my true feelings sometimes come to the surface they always get me in trouble. So from now on I am keeping my mouth shut (that includes my pen to some degree as well).

I need to dust off all those masks and keep reminding myself that I am not allowed to have any feelings, everyone else’s feelings come first even if I must lie to keep them all happy that is what must be done.

So my advice to you all is keep it all bottled up inside let it out at your own risk. But it is all up to you. Release your feelings and risk screwing up your relationships or your job. Keep your feelings in and risk mental and physical illness. Which is worse? I opt for the easy way out slowly killing myself by keeping it all in causing stress, high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches and a constant feeling of nausea. But even to telling you of my physical ailments is breaking my own role (but it is a new rule for me as I usually strive for honesty in every thing I do so it will take me a while to get used to lying all the time).

Since everyone in the known universe is basically sick and tired of me, I have to do something or just curl up and die. I have already started by lying every time someone asks how I am doing. The real answer is a lengthy diatribe about my health since the accident and the slow progress of my recovery or my recent issues with my increasingly worsening allergies or this headache I have had to endure for over four weeks or my blood pressure being high or the ulcer I have because of stress in my life or the depression I am fighting because of everything in my life. But above all else never ever talk about your financial worries no one cares that you can’ t even fill your gas tank let alone that you have medical bills out the wazoo, the only answer people want to hear when they ask “how are you” is fine do not elaborate. Anything beyond fine is too much information. Wish me luck.

Jul 072008

This morning I witnessed an accident. Heck I was almost in the accident. This guy was flying up beside me on the left (I was in the middle lane) and the traffic was heavy up ahead due to road construction. Well he wasn’t going to wait. He zipped around behind me to make a right hand turn from the far left lane!

I followed the whole thing in my mirrors. As I got to my passenger side mirror I saw him being hit by a Toyota pickup that was coming down the far right lane. It really shook me up. I pulled over to see if they were okay and to give them my name and number for the cops to call me as a witness if needed. (It was clearly the aggressive driving of the guy in the car’s fault). I was too shook up to actually stay there. If I had I think I would have had an anxiety attack.

 I am thankful that I was not hit by the guy as he nearly clipped me as he whipped behind my car. The way I felt (and still do) I do not know how I would have reacted if I was involved more than merely witnessing it. As it was I was a nervous wreck the entire day at work.

Jul 062008

As I said on the fourth I spent not only the day in bed but just about the entire weekend. If it weren’t for my friend pulling me out of thehouse on Saturday I would have spent the entire weekend in bed.

Saturday we went to the Tiki Bar with my friend and her husband. We had a good time. Good company, nice view (sat by the river), saw wild life (mating — sun fish, bullfrog, turtle and dragonflies). While we did not really want to cook our own meal and pay high prices of a served meal it was still fun. And still cheaper than therapy.

Jul 042008

Well July 4th is here and while it is very nice to have a long weekend it isn’t doing me any good. I am both physically sick and emotionally drained. I won’t be doing the picnic with the family (might not be so bad since it looks like rain any way).

 I probably would feel up to going even if I did not have an actual illness. I intend to spend the rest of the day in bed hiding under the covers. On the bright side it is a paid holiday.

Hope everyone else out there is enjoying their long weekend and getting to see fireworks. Happy Birthday USA.

Jul 032008

Today sucked.

This week sucked.

I suck.

My week started out horribly. It never had anything even close to a good point at any point. Then it ended just a horribly.

To be honest I have to wonder why I am still here on this planet.

Not feeling well I went in to drink some milk (hoping it would settle my stomach – it did not). As I was drinking it I noticed some of the magnetic poetry on the fridge.

Drink milk and dream.

Okay so I drank the milk all I need now are the dreams. Will they be nightmares? Most likely I will be trapped, attacked and killed repeatedly during the night. Why shouldn’t my dreams mimic my life?

I hope to be back to my regular bitchy self soon. Either that or just gone.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

May 172008

As you can see I am up and posting this morning. This is a good thing trust me. In the past when I would get as upset as I did yesterday I would not have felt like doing anything for days. I would have spiraled down into a pit of depression so deep I would think there was no way out. And last night I really felt like that is where I was heading. Now I have a bit of hope.

I did get a fairly good night’s sleep although I did give myself a little medicated help. (I had to or I would have lain in bed all night long staring at the dark ceiling unable to quiet my mind.) I woke up this morning feeling a little better about things and surprisingly no headache (with my sinuses and the way I was crying all day yesterday that is a BIG surprise). I tried just lying there relaxing with my cats (they had all come up to say feed me), but I could not enjoy the morning. Once I was fully awake my mind kept returning to yesterday and how bad I felt and how awful going to work on Monday will be.

So I dragged myself out of bed, fed those darned pusses and here I am typing away. Perhaps if I can keep myself busy with other things today and tomorrow Monday won’t be such a hellish Monday after all. I hope.

May 162008

I had the world’s worst day at work. I haven’t felt this bad in a very, very long time. Perhaps it is simply the compounded issues of my emotional and physical state since the accident along with the long held in stress from everything at work. I just want to scream but all I do is cry.

I honestly did not know I could cry this much in one day.

May 132008

While I am bitching about gas prices I might as well keep going. I am really starting to wonder how I am even going to be able to keep my job with the rising prices of gas.

I travel sixty plus miles each way to work. Money-wise that works out to $20 bucks a day (for now). This is a 100% increase over what I was paying per day including my turnpike tolls last year. Just thinking about this puts me into a downward spiral toward a deep depression. So what do I do?

Mar 242008

Two days ago a young girl in our neighborhood died in a car accident. She was only 24. Only a few years older than my niece. While I may not have personally known her I do remember hearing about her from my friend who was her art teacher in middle school and about how talented and nice she was. Any time a life is taken it is sad, but when one has barely had time to start their life it is all the sadder.

Liz Martelli’s ArtworkLiz was a talented artist and quite the poet. You can read her poems at her MySpace page as long as they keep it up and as a memorial to her I will be posting her work on I just don’t think it should be lost.  The photo to the right is one of her pieces. You can see it as well as other fine artists on the Berks Humane Society’s Art of Arf’s Sake website.

An obituary for Elizabeth Martelli was posted on the Reading Eagle’s website.

Mar 132008

Well, today is my birthday and while I wasn’t planning on celebrating the numbers of them any more I do like to spend time with my family and friends on my b-day. Usually my family will gather for a birthday dinner and it is just great to be able to spend time with them. This year, however, is not so good. This month in general just isn’t a good month to be related to me in any form.

My mom is seriously ill and has been hospitalized. I am a HUGE mommy’s baby and I am taking this pretty hard. My mom has been through so much with her health and she has had a good life, but I am not ready to see her go. Last week when she was admitted she was very near death’s door. In fact her blood pressure was only 40 over 20 when she went into the emergency room.

For the past month or two my niece has been in and out of the emergency rooms with severe migraines. The hospitals really cannot do anything for her. They give her morphine or some other narcotic and then the rebound headaches are three times as bad as the original ones. These are not just regular headaches mind you. Along with all the pain she loses her sight, throws up and gets hives form head to toe. She will be spending most of last week and this week at Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia to see what can be done for her.

Two days ago my Mom’s oldest sister had a stroke and is in the hospital too. She is doing okay, but a stroke in any shape or form is scary.

I also just found out my one uncle has a very advanced prostate cancer although we do not know the full extent of his illness it does not appear very hopeful. My mother-in-law’s son just had surgery this past month for prostate cancer and they feel they were able to get it all during the surgery. His prognosis is good, unlike my uncle’s. I know you guys don’t like to think about this, but don’t leave your health to chance go get regular check ups.

So what did I do for my birthday? It started out with a dentist appointment [this was already planned so I cannot blame it for my so-so b-day]. From there I went from hospital to hospital visiting all the people I love who are sick. Not the most festive way to spend the day, but I was glad to see that everyone was feeling a bit better and things were looking up for them. I’ll have another birthday next year and while I act like a little kid must of the time I am an adult and can handle it when a birthday just pushed aside. Family does come first you know. I was just glad I had the day off so I could go visiting.

But aren’t you glad not to be related to me right about now?

Jan 222008

Heath Ledger died today in a Manhattan apartment said to be owned by Mary-Kate Olsen [this is most likely not true]. According to he was pronounced dead at 3:30. We still don’t know the actual cause of death as of yet, but police say it may be a drug overdose as over the counter sleeping pills were found next to the body. He was only 28 years old. He will be missed. We will get a chance to see his last finished film later this summer. He played the Joker in the film Batman: The Dark Knight.

He will live on in his many films like Brokeback Mountain, Monsters Ball, The Order, A Knights Tale and the upcoming Dark Knight to name but a few.

Update [sort of]: This is what you get for going with the first news source. Bad, incomplete and wrong information. Apparently it was his appartment and the pills were perscription. Most likely an accidental death. And the rumors abound. May his family find comfort in knowing their son was loved by the American public even if though the weirdos out there are louder than the rest of us. What’s up with the “heath ledger mind control victim” rumor that’s going around any way?